Thursday, July 3, 2008

the crazy half

girls are freaking crazy. i don't care what anyone says. we are a little bit insane. between the hormones and the emotions and the occasional effects of the moon, it's over for stability. i can go through 10 emotions in an hour. on a good day.

now, most of the time, i play damage control and keep my mouth shut or just stay in when i'm feeling especially nuts, but occasionally i get ahead of myself and things sort of erupt; leaving an unfortunate friend/witness with nothing to do but stare at me with a look of bewilderment and maybe try to talk me down.

equally as unfortunate is the train wreck feeling that i get while it's happening. i can see the crazy coming and i know it's going to be bad but am somehow powerless to stop it. any logical, rational thinking is gone and all that's left is overwhelming, consuming emotion. all i know is that this doesn't feel good and i think that maybe, somehow, spewing the crazy in my head for all the world to see will make it better. generally, it doesn't. perhaps there is a moment of mild satisfaction, as with any good release, but it is immediately followed by the realization that i'm going to be really embarrassed about this tomorrow and i should have let that blow over in my head.

which leads us to the aftermath. my friend is looking at me like i'm crazy, because, quite frankly, i am, but they're my friend so they're also trying to look concerned and understanding. and no one knows quite what to do. the outburst was entirely irrational to begin with, which means that no amount of talking about it will help, because you can't fight irrationality with logic. it's like trying to reason away a phobia. everyone knows that tiny little spider is harmless but the phobic freaks out anyway.

and maybe that is the way it goes with emotional eruptions as well. you know it won't help but you just can't contain it. perhaps there is some internal need to get it out in order for it to blow over. maybe the expulsion is an important part of the process. i don't know. i'd like to think that if i could just wait long enough, i would, at the very least, be able to approach my emotions with logic and understanding and perhaps discuss them in a rational, functional way. i have yet to perfect this technique. instead, i am occasionally forced to hang my head, apologize for my crazy and walk away, hoping that my friend wasn't just faking that understanding look.

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